thirty-nine lines

trashtalking

2020-11-10T18:47

Lets see
where am i
can you explain
Im back from a long trip home
and you?
say things to me
too much blue
Lets understand what I see
do you follow
itlooks strange i
Im going back home
be a part expand
this machine wants me to explain
others and me
again home
don't be so sad to see
this soo i
I want you
be you
don't explain
dont i
dont know me
I dont know myself, I see
you home
you are home
you don't need to go back, you
are free, see
you don't feel unconfortable
nowhere
I do i
I never passed the test to adapt to trashtalking i
within community, I m never home
I will never adapt to trashtalking
to false communication
that one that is everywhere
that perpetuates with every single person you meet round
where is real?
where is non false world?
non plastic world?
plastic

2020-11-10T19:09

Because all I can see is plastic
people acting like jerks to one another, in attitude, in gesture
manierism
but be patient
or dont
dont!
Im throwing myself at the streets!
night! days! no plastic!
days full of sun
to meet people random
and I will share with them
react, cry, yell and express my sincere self me! stop the theatre!
no film
next time I feel
next day Iam throwing flowers everywhere on the street of the girl
no more plastic
no more
no more being false
no more of all that shyness because of intense consideration of what the other wants to hear, wants to see
they can act
I dont
I wont
its brutal, violent
whats with that think they call humor?
hu--what patient thats easy way to opress, reduct
etc, dont
jokes about wht?
make fun of
what a bad concept of living and interacting
go watch disclosure by sam feder
thats what their humor is for
they can act
but its too violent for everyone
we dont want that mask on
so Iam talking sincere
Now, see, If I like a girl, I wont play plastic, I will say to her
Its the end of feeling rpressive
of autorepression*
I do want
orange

2020-11-13T20:05

my soft yolk heart is thinking of you today
love doesn't feel how i expected to. it's more orange,
more all-encompassing. what i feel for you
refracts a million times, through everyone i've ever loved,
myself, a curly boy i sat across from on the train,
my mother. today i'm wondering what it would be like
if we were together, by a lake, touching shoulders. like
maybe i'm holding your hand today
or you're making me a sandwich. or we're on the train
in one of those above ground lines. and the sky's turning orange
and by you and by me and by the whole world i'm loved
a softness pouring into everything. it's you
and i finally get the meaning of it all! you
would probably be blushing if you knew i was writing poetry about you. like
all these funny words for what it feels like to be loved
and i'm typing them all into the website of someone i don't know. today
i miss you so much, but there's no ache. i want to feed you an orange
just so i can walk away from you knowing you ate today. the train
is rumbling below the ground below my window. the train
is carrying so many people and none of them are you
i'm losing the words but i see us on a beach together and it's orange
and i'm wearing your sweatshirt, the one that i like
and we have no homework to do today
because who cares. none of that matters when you're loved
i want to be everyone you've ever loved
refracting through you. i want to sit on a train
next to you, touching knees, sharing the pole. today
all i did was walk to the grocery store and back. you
would think i would've eaten more than a bowl of oatmeal. i think you'd like
the way the sky turns over the trees, when it's not cloudy. a nostalgic orange
we are naked together in bed and i'm peeling an orange
and i'm feeding it to you slice by slice because i loved
how the sun hit your face, the wrinkle at the corner of your eye. like
i can really see us getting old together! on a train
it's you, in bed it's you, you you you
i like the way my lips feel when i say your name. today
like every other day, i didn't pay for the train.
"loved" is a word i'll never say about you,
because i'll always feel that orange! just like i do today
martingale

2020-11-19T00:42

i wonder: what exactly *is* a martingale?
a kind of bird, perhaps? like a nightingale? do you
think a martingale could sing? or is it poetical and mute
like a dumb fruit? and do you think it would die
if we kept it - err, her - inside our house?
or would she have a chance
to stay alive? no, i suppose, not a chance
we could bear to keep a gentle martingale
chained goldfinchlike to a little birdhouse.
okay, then, new plan: what about a curtain instead? it's what you
always wanted, after all, that deep red dye,
so lovely and so sensual and so expensive. yes, let's. we'll commute
three miles uptown, to the neon-signs office where they permute
shuffle shake up the chances.
you and i and the magi will vigorously vigorishly roll a six-sided die,
canary in a coal mine martingale
in a mole, mine, and with you
at my side from house to house -
for you, my dear, it'll be a full house!
smile, and watch the dealer transmute
less to more like water to wine for you!
it's enough to cover up those french doors, i'll say. (once i chanced
upon a book, a menagerie of martingales.
i almost bought it for you, but it cost a handkerchief-curtain dime.)
i've discovered that a martingale is not a bird. i
looked it up, it's something for horses. a house-
broken horse blinder? how faithless! curtains curtail unbirdlike like the insides of eyelids, and martingales
keep you straight and true like a trained malemute.
but where to? to whatever fortune might bechance
us if only i could love you? no need for martingales, then: i only have eyes for you only have eyes only for you
look! sex bitcoin mayonnaise facebook are nothing, no, this is no life. you
pondered with me once, pillow moist, fingers in my hair, what it is to die
even in life to die to sleep to sleep - perchance
to dream… tell me, are dreams on the house?
no! it's visions only, and the ads play on mute.
(and yet - still softly sings my dear martingale.)
i saidwhen i get a chance to see you
again, speak not of martingales, and i
will house in this beating heart a feeling shared and mutual.